Oops, I did it again. I let myself go on another Facebook rampage.

In an attempt to put a stop to the fighting about something I see as an injustice, I did the very thing I was trying to stop. I was so angry when I saw the headlines, watched video and saw they were lies, that I made a Facebook post ranting and admonishing people for spreading those stories. I just ended up doing the same thing I was trying to stop and ended up helping to pour gasoline on the already inflammatory situation. My method was not the best. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I’m no better than everyone else and the media, who I believe are in the wrong.

This has got me thinking a lot in the last day. As I realize how I let myself fall into the same trap I have fallen into before. It was just like the old days. When I thought I could  reason with groups of people on Facebook and try to help them see how they were acting like the people they were against. Well, eventually I ended up having to give up because I realized it was a lost cause. Carlos always tries to help. Bless him, he’s so much more level headed than me. He is the yin or my yang,  my voice of reason, the one that gets me to see things from other points of view. Even though it sometimes starts ridiculous fights between us. Still, I love him so much for that.

So this Facebook post turned into another pissing contest. There were sides in the end and I gave up, which I should have done like wayyyyy before I did. It felt like I was being attacked personally, so I attacked back. It was not pretty and it left me depleted and sad. Especially when I realized I was throwing what they were throwing right back at them.

So I have been researching other ways of trying get my message through to people. I need to accept, though, that some are just beyond reach. By the way, some Facebook people are actually paid trolls, FYI. Not that there were any in my post, just FYI if you ever get mad because of a comment on Facebook like I do sometimes. Knowing that makes me feel better about humanity.

Anyway, the whole thing made me realize, we (myself included) often tend to listen to mostly things we agree with or also believe. The thing is, we’re missing out on so much opportunity for growth by doing that. We hear one buzz word, like “conspiracy theorist”  (or in my case with JFK research “lone gunman”) and we throw the entire message into the trash.

This has been even been proven to be a tactic used by the media and the CIA to get people to stop researching or asking questions. That’s dangerous. To stop asking questions of our government is highly dangerous.

In addition, listening to something or considering something we don’t agree with can often times threaten our core beliefs.  It’s really hard for us to admit our beliefs may be wrong. The reason, it has been said, is that those core beliefs are what some of us use to define us as a person we find acceptable. This is a whole persona we think we have crafted to blend in with similar people to us. To show we are one thing or another. Like, showing we are open minded and progressive by refusing to admit Trump didn’t say something. By trying to prove to everyone of our opinion of him was right, even though the headlines were proven to be misleading and even lies. Even when the facts are right in front of us, we just won’t see it. Some of us are incapable changing our minds because deep down that would mean we were also a trump supporter. That is not acceptable to our core belief. So we never, ever, ever admit we could have been in the wrong. Not to ourselves and certainly not to anyone else, lest we be the very people we despise. 

Here is an example of my first refusal to change my mind and then an attempt at growth. A few months ago, I made the decision to try to listen to President Trump (as hard as it is) and really understand him. I wanted to find out what the truth really is. What is he trying to do, really? Despite the painted news stories, what is the truth? Who is this guy? You know how hard that is? It’s very hard. I watched documentaries. I sit through all of the new conferences. I was researching his record and policies, what has he really done these past few years. Then I got distracted by the ‘rona. So now, I’m kind of still in between.

The harder thing, though, was admitting to myself that not everything he has done in his presidency was wrong, in my opinion. Admitting to myself there are some things I think he did that were in the best interest of the country was hard pill to swallow. When I publicly admit that, I fear people may think I am a Trump zombie, unable to think for myself and alienate some of my peers. I can become a racist, according to popular opinion of my peers group (meaning, people i think are similar to my values). Some people will accuse me of “supporting him”, even though I really am not sure I would say I “support” him, because I don’t support 99.9% politicians. Anyone who really knows me can tell you I don’t trust any politician. Or the government. Or anything without checking sources, really.

That’s not something a few people can come to terms with, though. Someone once likened it to death. Psychologist and professor, Jordan Peterson, says some people feel like they are pretty much killing a part of your personality and building something new. That takes a lot and some people go crazy because of it.

The thing is that I want people to know about me.

There is this urge in me, to speak up, is like a burning desire inside of me. Like God is trying to tell me to keep trying to get through to people. So I am trying to figure how to get through and how to find some faith, how to strengthen my armor. How on Earth do other people,  like Jordan Peterson, who got pushed into the crazy republican category by the media, for refusing to conform to using gender pronouns. They try and try to make him look crazy. Crazy for being human. For some reason, though, he still keeps getting through to people, especially young men. Truth will flow, no matter what lies you tell. Eventually it will come to light.

I guess that is what it means by the truth will set you free. Except the person who speaks that truth. They get stoned. Not the good stoned, either. Literally, stoned to death. Like JFK, MLK, RFK, and on and on… The truth speakers get silenced. Ask yourself why.

That’s all for now. At least I can feel a little peace now. I’m just trying to help. Honestly.

 

 

 

Last year I made this very ambitious post of all the things on my bucket list. Sorry to say, the only thing I really even sort of accomplished was learning to play metal guitar. That was, I bought a pedal, it sounded cool. Did that! That is not what I really had in mind.

2019 did not come without its lessons, though. Things pretty much came to a head tonight. I had decided the agency I was at was not going to work last week, right before Carlos’ personal tools were stolen from his van. Then I got pneumonia over the weekend so I couldn’t go do favors the last two days and had to have Carlos pay for the doctor because I spent my money. So we are having stress causing us to argue these past few days. But it ended in an epiphany.

So 4 years ago I had a breakdown and had to go to rehab. After rehab there were months of outpatient therapy and then one on one therapy. Also a year “sabbatical” that took me from delivering flowers, to school photographer to Santa set manager. Trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.

That whole process taught me so much. The tools I learned are so valuable and helpful to me as far as keeping away from mind altering substances. I did have fun on the year of trying new things, but I wasn’t making enough money. So I went back to cubicle land.

In my defense, I didn’t think working in claims meant working in a call center. Though, when I did find out, I used the same addict brain rationalizing and told myself it will be ok. It wouldn’t be long.

It was almost 2 years. Not all bad, but they were having issues and not being good to their employees over at State Farm. So I decided to go get a new job at an agency, except customer service this time. Let me tell you about the downside I realized, besides not having access to decent insurance because it is a small company. In a call center, you have wrap time at the end of the call. At the agency, it was hang up and another call comes in until I felt like I had a bunch of pins in the air. So it was crazy stressful at times, not including discussions about rate increases, meaning people yelling at you for something you can’t control. Still, that is not the catalyst for quitting that job, that came from me not being able to get along with someone I worked with. In hindsight, I really should have left when she started showing signs of her toxicity, but I really wanted it to work out.

The thing i realized today is this: I remembered the training I got in therapy, I have used it many times since then. It isn’t just that I have mental issues, I am not crazy. I had childhood trauma. What happened was, I forgot the vow I made to myself in front of Carlos at the rehab.

We were sitting in the visiting area at a table. I slammed my fist in the table and said I would never, ever go back to a corporate cubicle job ever again. I have been this fish in the wrong pond all of my life out of fear, and because I was so close to God at that point in time, I saw what I needed to do.

But after I got home, I got scared and sold out. Again. I did the same behavior that helped land me in rehab. I am a dry drunk! Wtf?? Back then, I felt trapped doing something I wasn’t passionate about, Carlos didn’t want me to quit, I had such a horrible tardiness and absence problem by then because of all the excess going on, things felt out of my control and I had dug myself in a hole. I lost my job and jumped right off the deep end.

Acting out. That’s what they call it in rehab. It is a self-soothing mechanism. The problem is, I was stuck with a very immature mentality because it was arrested when I started drinking when I was only 13 years old. Then all the trauma through my teen years. I have a hard time coping with my emotions. That’s the real disease, I just think “addiction” is a bit of a misnomer, but that’s what they say.

So here I went and got another job in a corporate cubicle, but this time attached to a phone by my head for 10 hours a day. Being the way I am with the emotions and all, I take it all in. All the negativity. It got to where I was moving around all the time, not making friends, getting super fatter because I sat there all day. I felt horrible. And I though leaving would help; but I just did the very definition of insanity and did the same thing again. Plus I was working next to someone who was a toxic person. I forgot to be brave. I forgot my vow. I was destined to fail.

These things were making me sick, literally.

Now here I am. Doing favor and starting my eBay store. Then going to put everything into my photography and my house and family. This time, like I told Carlos, we can not forget I have these issues.

So I say, time has come. No more fear, only brave. I will be taking another step off a cliff to let the universe/God catch me. Let’s see what happens. Want to join my quest? Let’s figure out what we always wanted to do that scares the shit out of us, and do it. And be there to support each other on the way.

It’s time!

 

This morning, like everyone else in this world, I woke up to the news Donald Trump had been elected President of the United States. Last night when I went to bed, it looked like he was taking the lead anyway so I wasn’t surprised.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by what I saw when I logged into Facebook, either. What I found left me feeling this sick and disturbing feeling inside my soul.

Post after post of hatred, finger pointing and blame littered my news feed like burning embers and trash in the street the morning after a riot. As I read accusations, read people spewing vitriol like fonts of lava from their very fingers, predicting and hoping for the demise of every single person who voted for Trump.

As I read my heart hurt like a dagger had been thrust into it. It wasn’t the fact that we had elected a man who is beyond worse than what anyone ever imagined could be or would be president (except The Simpsons, apparently), no. It was because I know Trump being elected is a mere symptom of what our society has become. We are reaping what has been sown for many, many years now.

Notice I said we. That’s the point. There was little accountability to be found out there in cyber land today. Not many people willing to take up the ol plow or say, “Hey. Maybe I should have worked a little harder. I really wish I hadn’t been watching television and checking Facebook every five minutes. If I had only been carrying my own weight, being a concerned and responsible citizen of the world or, at least, paying attention to what was going on I would have seen this coming. Maybe I could have done more to stop it. Now it is time for me to start working to weed this garden and help fix what we have missed all this time.”

So, this is me picking up my place on the plow. Or, at least, my attempt at trying to do the right thing.

For years I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog. I thought, “why? No one wants to hear from me. People are tired of me. I talk too much, anyway”. For the life of me I can not figure out how to help this world. This counselor once told me I had a powerful testimony and I should share it with the world. I took that into consideration and all these years that have passed I have sat on it, figuring I was still living my story and it was too soon.

Now, I feel it is time.

Not for some political blog, though there may be things in here related to politics. What I intend to do is contest normal.

Normal is not working for us anymore. It isn’t and wasn’t ever working for me. I have never felt close to normal and I wander through life worrying there is something wrong with me. But what if the problem isn’t me?

I feel like there are others out there like me. I read their blogs and watch their You Tube videos all the time. People who see things differently. People who feel too deeply. People who don’t look like everyone else. Lonely people. People who eat too much. People who take drugs and drink too much. Shop too much.Cry too much. Avoid too much.

For most of my life I was lost in this fog. It wasn’t until I “hit bottom” and had enough of suffering that I finally admitted I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing in life. Finally I found the courage and asked for the help I so desperately was crying out for in silence for many years.

I have learned that it shouldn’t be about me saying, “I know much more than you and you should listen to me”. Trust me when I say, I get humble pie in my face a lot. I get cocky and arrogant thinking I know better than everyone else. I don’t.

This is about me saying, “Hey. I know you’re hurting. I know we’re suffering out here alone. I’m not saying I know the way out or anything but I see a light ahead and started clearing out a path. You want me to share my tools with you? We can do this together”.

There are many others who have cleared paths before me. There is comfort knowing you’re not the only one who feels a certain way or is having trouble with something. Some of my favorites are Brene Brown, Glennon Melton, Michael Bernard Beckwith and especially Don Miguel Ruiz. You will find me quoting them a lot. Their wisdom means a lot to me.

I am looking forward to this blog. This year has been one I promised to do new things and I can’t wait to see what happens.

🙂