It’s not the biggest secret. Since I fell into temporary psychosis in 2020, I think I have been at least partially open to the fact that I have a mental disorder. Not to get in too deep with this post, because I just feel like I need to share this today, I want to tell you a little about what happened to me.

In March of 2020 I got a new job with a software company as a quality assurance person. So, I thought, I am good with software. It is an insurance related software, bonus there because I have a lot of experience with insurance. Day 3 of my employment with this company and we were all sent home because of COVID. Over the next few months, I tried to do what was asked of me. Basically, I had to change one thing on a form to see if it made a mistake or it did what it was supposed to. Then, if I found a mistake, I would send it on to the programmers. Lots of states, lots of different insurance companies. It isn’t that I didn’t TRY, but I have ADHD. This was the worst possible job for someone with ADHD. It was super boring. There were so many distractions having James home with me and Jaxx and Sookie wanted to go outside every hour or so.

The masks were freaking me out. I’m a very visual, symbolic person so the sight of all these people in masks was like watching a bunch of people with someone’s hand over their mouths. How many times I sat in the Market Street parking lot, watching for how many people were wearing them and how many weren’t. Then they became mandatory. My libertarian self told me this was not right, it isn’t constitutional. Every day I would park there and watch people coming in and out of the store. Wearing a mask made me feel like panicking, felt hot, felt awful to me. Say what you will about my desire to keep people safe, I wore the masks, ok? Just loathed every second I was forced to wear one.

James was studying for his drivers license test. My dad was a DPS Trooper who did drivers license for most of my childhood. My hero worship of my dad made me want to learn everything I could learn about driving. He had stacks of those drivers ed books and I loved reading them. My dad passed away in 2013. Teaching my son how to drive was deeply connected to this mission. We studying and helped him so much in the week leading up to his test. I got to take him, we were so excited. My focus was great, we were going to pass this test. We turned on some good music to pump him up on the way. We studied in the car waiting for us to go inside.

Let me tell you, the poor boy had to take his test wearing a mask and gloves.

So focused was I, I even positioned myself right where James could see me but I turned around so he wouldn’t be nervous that I was watching him parallel park. He was most concerned about that. He passed, and we walked back inside the office. By now, tears are streaming down my face. The lady was so nice. I told her my dad was in DPS and gave me my drivers license. It was really great, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Really, I hadn’t been in DPS since my dad passed away.

So we went to eat at Lupe’s Tortilla Factory in Allen to celebrate. My thoughts were so clear, everything was making sense. I was very pleased how the situation turned out. James and I spent the night watching a cartoon made by Mike Judge, kind of like King of the Hill, but about middle aged parents trying to navigate the world. We also watched a game show, and I told James that I thought they were rigged. So I studied the contests, told him I thought it was all for show. James disagreed with me. It was a good time.

Then James went to bed. By myself, my fears returned. The COVID fears I had, that the government shouldn’t be forcing us to wear masks, it is unconstitutional. At one point, Tucker Carlson was on. He talks very to the point. Slowly, like hypnotic. Pacing around our living room, I just kept trying to figure things out. The Friday before that, I was yelled at by my supervisor for not being as productive as the rest of my team. I had nothing to compare to. I thought I was doing good. Scared of failure, I tried to convince her to just let me have Friday and then we can find out. I was scheduled off for James’ driving test, though.

By the time Carlos woke up, I was sitting on the bed looking at him. I said, “you need to call my sister. It’s happening again. I can’t go to work. Can you please call Mariella and tell her? I need to go to the emergency room”. Carlos didn’t want to deal with this, he had to work. They need him at work, he is very important to the way things run around here. There I was demanding to be taken to the ER. I called my sister and told her, “it’s happening again”. She talked to Carlos and told him he needed to take me in.

James and Carlos took me to the ER at Medical Center of McKinney. We sat there, Carlos and I (James had to go home because only one person could be in there) all day. Poor Carlos. I don’t remember much about what I was saying. Just betting him if I could predict something by the time the clock moved 10 minutes I would run out of there naked. He was so upset, he sat there and cried and held my hand. I think I even told him his brother was with us there, in spirit. He was scared that wherever my head was taking me, I would never return. He was also feeling guilty because he felt like he was abandoning me. As they wheeled me into the ambulance, pulled away from the hospital, I thought I saw Carlos and James there. We made our way to the most dreaded place in my life.

Wysong Hospital.

I had been there before in 2008, the last time I went into psychosis.

So, what I want to say, in all that, is this: Borderline Personality Disorder can run in families. The prognosis for many Borderline patients is not good, lots end up in suicide.

There were four of us: my dad, my brother, me and my other brother. They were not diagnosed bi-polar, that i know. All I do know, is bi-polar runs in families. Of all of us, 3/4 have attempted to take their life at some point. One was successful. Two if you count my dad giving up on life and laying there waiting to die.

If you are reading this, and you are related to me, and struggling with some weird shit right now, I just want you to know, this can happen.