Last year I made this very ambitious post of all the things on my bucket list. Sorry to say, the only thing I really even sort of accomplished was learning to play metal guitar. That was, I bought a pedal, it sounded cool. Did that! That is not what I really had in mind.

2019 did not come without its lessons, though. Things pretty much came to a head tonight. I had decided the agency I was at was not going to work last week, right before Carlos’ personal tools were stolen from his van. Then I got pneumonia over the weekend so I couldn’t go do favors the last two days and had to have Carlos pay for the doctor because I spent my money. So we are having stress causing us to argue these past few days. But it ended in an epiphany.

So 4 years ago I had a breakdown and had to go to rehab. After rehab there were months of outpatient therapy and then one on one therapy. Also a year “sabbatical” that took me from delivering flowers, to school photographer to Santa set manager. Trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.

That whole process taught me so much. The tools I learned are so valuable and helpful to me as far as keeping away from mind altering substances. I did have fun on the year of trying new things, but I wasn’t making enough money. So I went back to cubicle land.

In my defense, I didn’t think working in claims meant working in a call center. Though, when I did find out, I used the same addict brain rationalizing and told myself it will be ok. It wouldn’t be long.

It was almost 2 years. Not all bad, but they were having issues and not being good to their employees over at State Farm. So I decided to go get a new job at an agency, except customer service this time. Let me tell you about the downside I realized, besides not having access to decent insurance because it is a small company. In a call center, you have wrap time at the end of the call. At the agency, it was hang up and another call comes in until I felt like I had a bunch of pins in the air. So it was crazy stressful at times, not including discussions about rate increases, meaning people yelling at you for something you can’t control. Still, that is not the catalyst for quitting that job, that came from me not being able to get along with someone I worked with. In hindsight, I really should have left when she started showing signs of her toxicity, but I really wanted it to work out.

The thing i realized today is this: I remembered the training I got in therapy, I have used it many times since then. It isn’t just that I have mental issues, I am not crazy. I had childhood trauma. What happened was, I forgot the vow I made to myself in front of Carlos at the rehab.

We were sitting in the visiting area at a table. I slammed my fist in the table and said I would never, ever go back to a corporate cubicle job ever again. I have been this fish in the wrong pond all of my life out of fear, and because I was so close to God at that point in time, I saw what I needed to do.

But after I got home, I got scared and sold out. Again. I did the same behavior that helped land me in rehab. I am a dry drunk! Wtf?? Back then, I felt trapped doing something I wasn’t passionate about, Carlos didn’t want me to quit, I had such a horrible tardiness and absence problem by then because of all the excess going on, things felt out of my control and I had dug myself in a hole. I lost my job and jumped right off the deep end.

Acting out. That’s what they call it in rehab. It is a self-soothing mechanism. The problem is, I was stuck with a very immature mentality because it was arrested when I started drinking when I was only 13 years old. Then all the trauma through my teen years. I have a hard time coping with my emotions. That’s the real disease, I just think “addiction” is a bit of a misnomer, but that’s what they say.

So here I went and got another job in a corporate cubicle, but this time attached to a phone by my head for 10 hours a day. Being the way I am with the emotions and all, I take it all in. All the negativity. It got to where I was moving around all the time, not making friends, getting super fatter because I sat there all day. I felt horrible. And I though leaving would help; but I just did the very definition of insanity and did the same thing again. Plus I was working next to someone who was a toxic person. I forgot to be brave. I forgot my vow. I was destined to fail.

These things were making me sick, literally.

Now here I am. Doing favor and starting my eBay store. Then going to put everything into my photography and my house and family. This time, like I told Carlos, we can not forget I have these issues.

So I say, time has come. No more fear, only brave. I will be taking another step off a cliff to let the universe/God catch me. Let’s see what happens. Want to join my quest? Let’s figure out what we always wanted to do that scares the shit out of us, and do it. And be there to support each other on the way.

It’s time!